Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
