i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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