Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
