Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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