tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The Olympian is in my bed
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
