you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The air was thick with penises
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
