you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
