you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
