I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
