So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to align my fucking chakras
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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