I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
