Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
