I smell stomach acid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
