He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize