That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Fuck appropriateness.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
