Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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