I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
