Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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