I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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