you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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