I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
