i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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