Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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