i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
