I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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