You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
