note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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