The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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