Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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