I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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