You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
