I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
