dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
where are my eyebrows?
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