I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
