Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
