It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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