I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
