Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
