Don't make out with my wife yet
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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