party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
