its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
