apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
