Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
