Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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