sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
