remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
