The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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