Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
