Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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