I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
