you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
